Merry Christmas {eve}!!!

Today I finished my Christmas shopping with my little brother.

I tried to teach him how to wrap gifts after that, but I think I failed.

His finished product:

He didn't really like my tips that much as you can clearly see.

That's okay, I found much joy out of watching him wrap gifts :)

{photo booth fun}

the kids loved photo booth

here are just a few of my favorite silly faces

{one week}

one week ago i said goodbye to Choir 35. i have begun the transition into a stationary and different life. for some reason I couldn't envision life after tour, I thought it would end. but it hasn't. life still goes on. relationships grow in different ways with different people, but there is still growth. i actually haven't made it home yet. i spent a few days in D.C. with the aunties and am now in Georgia with my best friend catching up after 18 months. tomorrow I fly home.

there are things I miss.

laughing with the kids and chaperones

living on a bus

holding the hand of a precious child

being called auntie

i realize these are all relational things. relationships change.

and i am learning that is beautiful. because where there is change there is potential and potential has the ability to bear fruit. that is the point of life to bear fruit. Christ calls us to bear good and lasting fruit. yes i will miss the kind of relationships that i had with these children and chaperones, but i know that God is placing us each in a place where we can bear more good and lasting fruit. He is placing us specifically for a purpose. relationships change, but it is good.

{a lovely little song]

A few days ago Esther was singing this little song while we were spending some time together...

...now as she is no longer with me I am cherishing this song. I hope you do to.

{sweet dreams}

Tonight was our last night. I gave my last goodnight hugs/I love you's to the kids. I tucked them in bed for the last time and in a few minutes I will go in and check on them before I go to bed. In less than 24 hours they will be on a plane heading for Africa. Their planes will touch down and they will be greeted by families and friends who have been missing them for the last 16 months. They will be welcomed home with great fanfare but on the other side of the ocean myself and 3 Aunties will be wondering what to do with ourselves. We will get ready for bed and have no children to tuck in.

As promised in the Word though I have PEACE. I know that it is time for them to go back home, to integrate back into life and school, to go and tell those they love about their experiences and changes on tour. The sermon at church this morning was about the Peace that comes from Christ. It surpasses our human intellect and understanding. It comes when we need it the most. This Peace comes from God who is good and thinks good things about His children.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in every situation,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the PEACE of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

Christ promises a Peace that guards our hearts and minds. What a beautiful picture. As the last of our cleaning and packing was wrapping up tonight, Chelsea looked at me and we paused in the Peace that we felt. Deep within our hearts we know that it will be okay, we know that God is in control. Our faith is in that fact. I am confident because of it. How blessed I am. And as we say goodbye to these children this Peace will overwhelm our hearts. Yes, we will still feel the emotions of goodbyes, but these goodbyes will be said with our Father looking on saying,

"You have finished the race. I am so proud of you."

And Choir 35 will part ways, but we will always be a family. . .

some pictures from church today:

{in one moment}

I am watching the sunrise this morning. If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. I never have been and while tour has helped me work to change this, waking up at 5:30 a.m. is still early to me. It was an early morning as I had to say goodbye to 2 of my boys. They are going to Choir 37 for a bit to help them out. As I hugged Jonah and Reagan my heart ached. What do you say in a moment like that? I was given 16 months to tell them all the things they needed to hear and it came down to one moment. I gave them one last hug and I told them how proud of them I am and how much I love them.

I have loved them, cared for them, cried with them, prayed with them, struggled with them for 16 months and on Monday I will have to say goodbye to 19 more children. Last night after the children said their goodbyes to these two boys, Ivy looked at me and said "Auntie, you are so brave, you aren't crying." And then Charity responded with, "Ivy, you can be brave and still cry."

And on Monday I will be brave. I will say goodbye to 21 children that have affected my life so deeply. I will no longer wake up early so I can get the kids ready. I won't tuck them into bed and giggle and laugh and pray with them. No longer will I hear the chatter. Things are changing. We are stepping into the unknown and things are changing. Perhaps that is the scary part of change, the unknown. For 16 months we have lived pretty consistent and normal lives and all of the sudden in one moment things change. Life will become consistent and normal for all of us in different ways now. For now though I am living in these last moments, in these last 3 days.

Lord, be with us as we change and step into the unknown. Life is changing for 29 people who have become a family. Guide us and direct us as our paths head different directions now. Thank you that our paths crossed for these months, even if only for a bit of time in our lives.

Lord, make me brave. Even with my tears I will be brave and face the future with confidence that the Creator is in control. And in these last few days we will celebrate together. We will look at the faithfulness of our God and rejoice together. We have run the race, we have finished what we set out to do. We have had the courage to live out these 16 months fully and that is what has made us brave for this moment.

{packing my bags}

For the last couple days we have been tirelessly sorting through suitcases that will be sent home with the children. These suitcases will last them for a couple of years and they are full of bedding, towels, clothing, school supplies, shoes, soccer ball, and a Bible. (A HUGE thank you to the families that sponsored these for our dear and deserving children.) The children were ecstatic to try everything on and see all the lovely things they received. This process however gave me visions of the children back home. The end is soon, 5 days. I am tired to be honest. Today I think my emotions have caught up with me. There is also so much to get done in these last days.

I look up to the mountains;

does my strength come from mountains?

No, my strength comes from God,

who made heaven, and earth,

and mountains.

Psalm 121:1

I am off to pack my bag now. Let's hope all my things fit inside of it :0)

{every season}

One week from tomorrow and tour will be finished. The process of goodbyes and de-briefing and change are in full force. I am listening to Shane and Shane's Christmas CD (which is a must in your holiday music collection) while thinking about the end. Is this all really over in just a week? Is it really going to happen? Part of me feels like tour will never end, that I will always be with the children, but I know that's not true. Soon they will head home. I will miss the noise of the children playing and laughing. Life will be different without them. My life is going to change.

I wish I knew what I would be doing after tour. How I wish I knew exactly where I would be living and where I would be working. There are a lot of decisions that will be made in the next few weeks. Some decisions will be hard and some will be exciting. I am praying not for ease in the decisions that will be made, but for peace and guidance from God. I am taking steps that I have never taken before. It all finds it way back to one word however: TRUST.

Trust in One who is faithful and just. Trust in my Father.

It is an adventure, I am embarking into uncharted territory unsure of where I will go. But I have the most experienced guide and that will make all the difference. He who is guiding me is the one who created and planned it all so I have nothing to fear.

Tonight in devotions Auntie Stacy and Deborah taught the children a beautiful song: "Desert Song". As I listened to the children singing I prayed that this truly would be our prayer.

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

I have been blessed these 15 months and I am ready to pour out some of the blessing I have received. Lord empty me.

{happy thanksgiving}

A lovely day spent playing, walking to the lake, eating, and relaxing.

One year ago I was in Dinuba, CA.

Today Thanksgiving was spent on the other side of the country in North Carolina.

What a journey this year has been.

{bitter or sweet changes}

Today was most likely my last day off on tour. I spent it at Panera, checking things off my to-do list while listening to country music and sipping on an unlimited amount of coffee. Less than two weeks until the children fly home. My mind is full of thoughts about this. Bittersweet completely sums up how I am feeling. It will be so hard to say goodbye, to say that last 'I Love You' and give the last hug. But part of this journey coming to a close is sweet. Sweet to reconnect with family back home. Sweet for the children to enter back into their countries and homes, to see their families again. But right now it is bitter. My heart will ache and I will grieve saying goodbye. I've never been good at goodbyes. Perhaps that's okay. Maybe it's okay for me to feel and grieve and process. That's part of life. That's part of change.

I think of the changing seasons and the vast amount of things that change to our sight, but there are also the things that happen beneath the surface, unknown to the human eye. It's these small, minute changes that affect what we can see. God is preparing me for change right now. And I am standing on Christ. The only One who doesn't change. In James it says He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He is steadfast. He is immovable. He is unwavering. While life turns and changes all around us, He is there guiding and supporting.

Today was a good day.

Full of time to reflect, talk to friends and family, sip coffee, and change.

Because today I changed.

I was changed when I listened to "Pastor" Reagan preach from Psalms 4:8 tonight. He encouraged our dear family to remember that they have nothing to fear, that God is watching over them and protecting them. We sleep in peace because God never sleeps. Someday soon Reagan will go back to his family and sit and tell them what he has learned about God and it will change that family. And when Reagan grows up he will stand and preach truth to those who need to hear.

{meet Pastor Reagan}

So right now some of these changes are bitter and some are sweet, but they are all good.

{a beautiful sunday}

Highlights from today:

• Going to church and worshipping with the kids. Faith stood next to me and as we lifted our hands we sang "because You're with me, I will not fear" and my heart soared. Wherever we are, whether in Africa or the U.S., we have nothing to fear because He is with us.
• Talking with Naomi on the bus heading back to the house about the end of tour. Really I have no better way to put it than her own words: "Auntie, this is hard. I don't know how to change because I've never had to do this before."
• Sunday afternoon nap :0)
• Playing soccer until the sun went down. Watching the boys and Brenda tough it out on the field, holding nothing back. "Defending" with Derrick, he did most the work, but it was still fun.
• Devotions led by Auntie Stacy. She talked about Noah and walking with God. Noah didn't really know what God was asking him to do. He was told to build some huge contraption surrounded by people who ridiculed and mocked him, but he was faithful to God. Because of his faithfulness he walked alongside and talked with God. This intimate relationship allowed Noah to know God's heart and take the steps necessary to fulfill God's plan. How I desire such a relationship with Him where I know His heart so deeply that I follow Him where He is calling me to change. Growth is impossible without change and as Choir 35 sat in a circle, I realized how close change really is.
• Hugs/I Love You's/Goodnights from the children

It was a beautiful sunday.

Quite the day.

15 months exactly. (Happy anniversary Choir 35!)

Last show of tour.

Two milestones that are colliding at one time: today.

This journey has taken so many different turns and directions. It has been incredible. The last couple weeks spent with the kids will be memorable. I want to soak in every moment, make every hug last a few seconds longer, say I love you just a few more times. I love them deeply.

I wonder what these last 15 months have prepared me for, what they have prepared the kids for. There are things that are in their hearts for eternity. I have so many hopes and dreams for these dear children.

For Naomi,

I pray she will grow into a powerful woman of God who spreads His hope with passion and conviction.

For Derrick,

I hope he will realize the strength of his character and his forgiving spirit that enables him to change lives.

For Deborah,

I pray she will continue to laugh deeply. That joy would well up within her and the light would come from the joy of her salvation.

For Brian,

I hope he will bring change with his quiet yet strong voice.

And the list goes on and on for all 23 children. Only God knows the paths they will choose. My deepest desire is that they would serve Him all the days of their lives, glorifying the One who gives them life. I've become so attached to their beautiful hearts. This must be how a parent feels. This immense amount of hope that your child will be blessed, cared for, protected, known, loved. If only I could stay with them forever (how blessed I would be) but it's not about me, it is about these children. It is about them returning home and changing Africa for His glory. They are children of the Most High and they will walk in the shadow of His wings.

When I think of these children my mind and heart race and dream about the other children out there that need His hope. The children that haven't heard yet that they have a Father that loves them. James 1:27 resounds in my heart: "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Somewhere, somehow I will care for the ones in distress, for the ones that need an outreached hand. Tour is ending, yet I have a feeling there are exciting things ahead. There are lives that need to be touched and healed. I wish with all that I am that I didn't have to say goodbye to James, Reagan, Naomi, Esther, Grace, Deborah, Charity, Alex, John, Rogers, Ritah, Ruth, Faith, Derrick, Benson, Peace, Brenda, Ivy, Eunice, Jonah, Brian, Stella, and Priscillah, but I know it is almost time.

The Beginning of The End

Sometimes the tears just come. Not for long, just for a few minutes when I realize that the children will be leaving soon. I imagine us all at the airport hugging amidst a wave of tears clinging as tight as we can and I realize that moment is soon. It scares me. How do you say goodbye to the people, to the family that you’ve just spent the last 15½ months with? What do you do with your days? How do you fill the void of no longer answering questions all day from eager minds or laughing over the silliest of things? This has been life 24/7 for over a year. The best way I know to begin to process all of this is to live in the moment, enjoying these last weeks with the children to the fullest. I know that they aren’t mine; they have families in Africa eagerly awaiting their return. God entrusted me with them for this time and soon that time will come to an end. And when these precious children depart I will rejoice in the moments and days that I was able to spend with them. I will count myself as blessed to have known and struggled and rejoiced with them. I won’t see them face-to-face but I will pray for them and think about them often. I wish I knew how to better put into words what I am feeling and thinking.

My brain is whirling with thoughts. There is a time for everything and I think that part of the process of changing times is allowing myself to feel in that moment. We were made to feel and experience life, which is why God designed us with emotions. Tour has been wonderful and life changing and I will think back on it as a foundational part in my life. I have been sculpted and formed into the woman I am by these incredible children and chaperones. God has used these people to show me so much. He has shown me parts of me that need to change and welcomes me to grow into His image more each day.

There has been a word on my heart lately that resounds over and over: righteous. I’ve been asking myself if what I am doing, from the smallest to the largest thing, is being done with an honest, truthful, righteous heart and spirit. Scriptures in both the Old and New Testaments speak of living a righteous life and it is the righteous that will inherit the Kingdom. I find this an interesting word for me as tour is ending. Of course things such as endurance, finishing strong, and perseverance come to my mind. I am excited to see what He teaches me as I study and ponder this word some more the next few weeks.

In all that I am learning and experiencing I am so blessed. Last night during prayers with Ruth and Ivy we prayed about home and the end of tour. Then Ivy and Ruth decided to pray for me. Their prayers were precious and innocent. Ivy’s prayer was “Lord, help Auntie to find a job after tour” and Ruth’s was “Lord, help Auntie to find somewhere to work. Bless her oh Lord. Thank you for giving her coffee today.” My kids know me so well.

.thoughts from a hotel room.

• designing Christmas cards
• sipping coffee from the Starbucks located in my hotel
• knowing that the end is near
• unsure how to process that fact
• my heart breaking that soon I won't hug these precious children
• how do I begin to work through that fact?
• standing on the strength of the One who called me here, for He knows what He is doing. His timing is perfect. He is good. He will mend my heart.

.armor bearer/world changer.

In staff devotions this week I was challenged by a message from 1 Samuel (thank you Auntie Mel). In chapter 14 Jonathan decides to leave camp without telling anyone and only takes his young armor bearer with him. (I wonder how old this armor bearer was because his courage and faithfulness are pretty remarkable.) Jonathan wants to go to the outpost of the Philistines and his armor bearer responds with such an incredible statement, he says:

“Do all that you have in mind. Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.” (NIV)

“Do what you think is best. I’m with you completely, whatever you decide." (NLT)

"Do all that is in your heart; turn yourself, and here I am with you according to your desire." (NASB)

"Go ahead. Do what you think best. I'm with you all the way." (Message)

This one phrase is powerful. From Jonathan's perspective he has the support of one person and it is that support that gave him the courage to pursue his dream. The backing of one man gave Jonathan boldness. From the armor bearer's perspective he knew who his faithfulness and devotion belonged to and no matter what he would stay with Jonathan.

I began to look inside my life after reading this asking myself if I had the character of the armor bearer. "No matter what, I am behind you heart and soul." Is that my heart towards my friends? Would l risk my life to protect them? The second question that came to my mind was whether I have people supporting me in that way. Are my friends with me heart and soul?

Are we in this together? Do we walk through this life embracing courage for one another? I am so blessed by the friends in my life. God has surrounded me with incredible people that support me. I can't even tell you the gratitude that overflows from my heart when I think of these people. Through these friends I have been challenged to dream big and trust and grow. It is because of them that I have the courage to take leaps of faith.

I pray that each of you have an armor bearer in your life. I hope that someone walks alongside you giving you the courage to GO and DO.

I pray that I am that to my friends and my children. Perhaps all my kids need is someone behind them saying, "I am with you heart and soul." While I will not always be near them, able to physically hold their tiny hands I know that I can protect and defend them from afar through prayer and petition. It may just take one person saying "I am here for you" that inspires a child to change his community, his world. Steps of faith aren't taken easily. They require strength, purpose, and courage. Who will give them this courage? It is up to us. It is up to me.

a couple random pictures from tonight :)

New York! New York!

Recently we were so blessed to spend a couple weeks in NY. We spent some time in the city, but also performed at West Point and in Canandaigu (our very own Auntie Amy's church!!!)

The backyard at my host family. Incredible? Yes.

Recreation of the pumpkin scones from Starbucks. Amy and I personally think we did a better job =0)

Sunday afternoon spent at the HF.

We got to bake!!! This hardly ever happens on tour. We made an apple pie, it was my first attempt ever. It didn't turn out too bad.

The end result.

Enter N.Y.C.

We prayed that there would be a Starbucks close to the theatre and you know where it was!??!! Right across the block. We are blessed :)

Taking a break from the green room, we took the kids on a walk through Central Park. Someday I will come back here.

Crossing the busy street.

Alex.

The venue for the night, it was beautiful inside.

Oh Rogers. . .

Ritah applying her chapstick :)

Reagan just hanging around, passing the time.

Sporting their new costumes! They love them!

Well goodnight world. I am in Georgia right now and it has been a long couple of days driving to get here and I am plumb tired. I will post soon about my experiences in the south. :)